A day or two after we’d come home from the hospital my mom asked me if I liked Madeline better inside or outside. And I answered very confidently outside! This might seem like an odd question with an obvious answer, but I don’t think so. When I was pregnant with Wes I was so excited to meet him. Every moment of that pregnancy was magical to me. But when he arrived, I was totally overwhelmed. I wondered what we’d done and how life could ever feel manageable again. With Madeline, I’d spent my pregnancy planning and fearful. Planning by getting things done and making lists and checking boxes and being very transactional about the whole thing. Fearful about what kind of baby she’d be, if I’d love her as much as Wes, how on earth I was going to juggle the needs of two children all day. But now she’s here and she’s completely delightful. I’m so happy to meet her and have her in our lives. I think I’m still curious about how I’m going to manage the needs to two children once I’m on my own all day, but I’m so much less fearful. It’s really nice to experience these happier feelings after the birth of a child.
Everyone told me your second child comes faster, but I had no idea how fast that could be! Madeline was fast! I really thought I’d have to be induced, and we were scheduled for an induction on the 27th. But at 4 am on the 25th I woke up to go to the bathroom and realized something was going on. I think I knew they were contractions, but I wasn’t 100% sure. Because I was induced with Wes and safe in a hospital, I just didn’t pay attention to my contractions with Wes. Other than realizing that they hurt. When Sean woke up at 5:45 my contractions still weren’t totally consistent, but I did tell him that I thought he’d have to stay home that day. He laughed a me a little bit because he knew right away that we were having a baby. I was still feeling unsure and working under that assumption that I’d be driving Wes to school in a few hours while my contractions got stronger. But I did text my parents and ask them to start driving. And did text my neighbor to ask if she could help with Wes that day. So I started to get things ready for Wes and myself, and then it was really clear we had to go. We arrived at 8:15-ish. I told everyone who would listen that I wanted an epidural. Everyone else seemed to move so slowly. I felt like we were in triage for forever and I wanted to leave and get my drugs so badly. I was 3 centimeters when we left triage. We got to the delivery room and things progressed very quickly for me. I was very uncomfortable. I screamed with my contractions. I did not expect to be a screamer but I couldn’t help it. It’s just what came out of me. The anesthesiologist had to tell someone to close the door, probably so I didn’t scare off the other ladies on the floor. I was really very loud. I told someone I had to push. They told me not to push because the doctor wasn’t there and no one knew how dilated I was. I told them again that I had to push and it was really hard to not push. Again, it seemed like everyone around me was moving so slowly. Finally a senior nurse checked me. I was at 9. The anesthesiologist had been trying to figure out what drug to give me. I did get a drug, not quite an epidural because that would have taken too long. It was so hard for me to stay still for that epidural type thing I was given. Sean told me later he didn’t think I’d be able to do it because I was so busy screaming and moving around. It was hard, but I was scared. An unmedicated birth is one of my biggest fears. But, I did pretty much labor completely drug free because almost as soon as it was in the doctor was there, I pushed three times, and Madeline hard arrived! Just about an hour and a half after we’d made it to the hospital! While I do have very fond memories of my induction for Wes, I really preferred this quick delivery!
And now we’re all pretty taken with her. It’s so fun to watch Sean be the father of a newborn again. It’s not his favorite phase, but he’s sweetly protective. If she’s crying and he’s not already in the room, it’s not long before he swoops right in and comforts her. Wes says he loves her and kisses her and hugs her and “reads” her a book every morning as I change her into her daytime clothes, but he’s putting on a brave face and is being such a trooper. The mom guilt of not enough of me for everyone all the time is pretty tough. Overall we’re happy, but still working through some of the challenges.